Wrestling With God
Many years ago, I went through a bit of a spiritual crisis. I was about four years out of college, and somewhat active in a church. My parents were definitely active, my brother was involved in the worship team, and I did a few things in the congregation for them as well.
I remember it like it was yesterday. One Sunday evening, I had got ready to go to church (I was singing with the evening folk group), and I went to leave my home. My hand reached out to push the door open, and I froze. A rush of thoughts and emotions filled my head; I realized I could not push the door open. I was paralyzed. I stopped there. And, after about a minute or two, I went back to my apartment, and never returned to church in the same way. In many ways, even now, I am not that person who once went to church then.
One of the things I had always thought as being … maybe not ‘unforgivable’, but certainly highly questionable as a practicing Christian, was being a hypocrite. Doing one thing but saying another; claiming one thing but living in complete contradiction to that thing you claimed. To be honest, I still have little patience for hypocritical behaviour. Especially when I see it in myself. For me, it’s akin to living in dishonesty, to lie. And, I’ve realized that is something I have a very hard time with - lying. Deceit. Dishonesty. Disrespect. Treachery. For me, that is the ultimate no-no. That, for me, is the worst thing one human being can do to another. Maybe because it all goes back to a lack of respect ... and that is something, too, that is fundamental for community, I think. (Sorry for that 'squirrel' ... back to the topic ... )
Anyway … I stopped at the door. Froze. Because I realized, in that instant, that THAT was me. I was the hypocrite. I was the one living a double-life. That which disgusted me about others was actually me. Specifically, I claimed to be a Christian, yet I stood up there, singing about the love of God, and there was a particular person, usually in the front row, whom I could not stand. I don’t think I’d say I ‘hated’ her, but I certainly felt an emotion of loathing rising in me whenever I saw her. I claimed to love, but I did not love her. The person? My brother’s girlfriend. Why did I not love her? She came between my brother and me, she twisted my brother around, she turned his head so that he began to change his character. (Now that 35+ years have passed, I see things a bit differently, but I’m stunned that I picked up something then that played out in an ugly way as life went on for my brother - both with her and other women he chose along the way. But I digress again …)
So … I stopped at the door. A spiritual bucket of ice-cold water exploded over my head. I could not go to church. And in that instant, I stopped going. And you know what? No one ever asked me why. Not one person - not the people who were in the choir with me, not the pastors, not my parents, not my brother. No one. Not one person reached out to see if I was ok. Now, that was a completely different lesson! But what this launched was a quest into what ‘this’ was all about. For me. What was this thing called Christianity all about? What were these beliefs, and were they for me? Did it have any worth in life? In MY life? At that point, I had no answers.
Over the next few years, I stripped down all the claims to faith that I knew and struggled with what they meant for me. I compared them to pieces that were in other belief/faith traditions and practices.
To be honest, in many ways, I am still struggling. The thing is: I now believe that struggle is a good thing. That it's ok to doubt and question and challenge. I had been raised in the Lutheran tradition, and even today, I’m not completely sure what that means. I have checked into various other denominations, traditions, and theologies, particularly the evangelical ones, and sometimes it's easy to put one to one side and another to the other. Particularly when it comes to most Evangelical beliefs. No doubt there. In that realm, their beliefs seem to be based in ‘me’, my claims, my words, my intentions, my acceptance, my refusal, my actions, my choice. And, in the world of God’s Mystery, I honestly can’t believe that ‘my’ understanding is completely accurate. (In many ways, this seems to me like another form of transference mentioned above.) One thing I do know, beyond a doubt, is that I am a human and in that human-ness is also weakness, ignorance, tripping, misguidance, confusion, mistakes, process, learning, and even stupidity at times ... and all those human emotions and feelings that never lead anywhere good. One thing I do believe without any doubt is that if there IS a God, God must be perfect. Without mistake or error. Completely, in every way, not human. And in that, the nugget of “There is a God … and I am not God” began to form.
So, in my wrestling, what did I come to believe about who or what is God? That’s where this all has to start, right? First - is there even such a thing? Such an entity? Such an energy? In my thinking: What is God? Who is God? Or, before all that, does even God exist?
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Before we kick this off, I did a bit of brainstorming on questions I often hear or challenges that are often given as reasons why. I'm thinking I will use this as a bit of a guide for the following wrestlings. If I have not included something you, dear Reader, think I should wrestle with, please feel free to let me know I've missed something. In a similar way, if you read something and you have more questions, "What about ???" or "But that doesn't answer ???", I'm open to being asked such.
Topics to come, though likely will not be in this order ...
(1) Is there a god? (2) Assume there is; now what? (3) Jesus - who is he? did he really exist? is he who he claimed to be or just a good man? controversy over atonement vs at-one-ment; (4) Salvation – world beliefs, religions – is this the only way to heaven? How can you say ‘one true faith’? Concept of “Sin Bravely”; (5) Evil - Does religion hinder morality? Are we better off without religion? If God is good, why is there so much suffering in the world? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why would God create something to suffer? And what about birth defects? And what about blood sacrifice? And why is God angry and vengeful and violent in the OT and seems to be different in the NT? (6) Hell; (7) Diversity in Christianity - women, LGBTQ+, what if we got things wrong? How would we know? .... (8) I can't leave out all the talk of the apocalypse and the second coming!
And, just so I do what I can for as much as I can : common questions: (9) What are miracles? do they still happen today? or did they ever happen to begin with? (10) Questions of Palestine vs Israel … how do we deal with this? -- I'm struggling with this one! (11) Judgementalism in Christianity: why are they so arrogant? Do we need churches? what about all the denominations? and the other side: those who claim 'new knowledge' and Christology / Universal Christ and 'we are God' thinking (12) Reliability and validity of the Bible: can we trust it? how to read it? fables and lies? contradictions? used for manipulation and control? what about those books they removed? [aka - let's look at those gnostic books! and how was the bible created?] (13) Science and God - maybe we don't need God anymore as we have science? and what about our world? our environment? (14) It might be good for you, but I don’t need it … don’t push it on me; (15) Values, beliefs, purpose - what does this have to do with me? (16) What is truth vs Truth? New self, death to self; (17) Now what? (18) and my current rabbit hole of curiosity: Christian Mysticism - what is this?
What have I missed?
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Ok ... hop on for the ride, if you want. At the very least, I will have a chance to struggle to put into words what my answers are to the above points/questions. Let's go!
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