on the Pilgrimage

The more I age, the less I want to remember what the age is ... in fact it was so bad one year that I truly thought all year that I was a year older than I actually was! How sad ... Yesterday that I turned 42. Yikes ... does that look old! And I really don't feel like that is how old I am. I don't look that old, I don't feel that old, I don't act that old. Why am I that old? There are times when I contemplate the possibility of having something seriously wrong with me. Why? Well, no one that I know that is my age lives a life like I do ... and I realize that there is a certain sense of selfishness to my life, but there is also a component of immaturity, too, and that is something I really don't like. I recognize it, but to figure out what to do about it and how to change it ... something completely different. 42 - Wow. Yes, lots of life experiences, that's for sure. I know that as I reflect back over the years, there are things that I have journeyed through that...

I remember this past weekend, going to bed one night with the voice of words ringing in my head about the coming hurricane, headed straight for New Orleans. I remember lying in bed with tears pooling in my eyes trying to pray for the people who at that moment were living in a world of terror ... fleeing from their home city or home, or just standing there, lost and scared. I couldn't imagine what it must have been like at that moment for all those thousands of people. Tonight, I have yet to watch any news shows on television about it, but what I see in my mind's eye is beyond terror-able. To hear of the devistation of land and property and city that held a beauty unique ... to read about the lawlessness and chaos and anarchy ... to think about the leadership that seems to sound so sincere yet watch the sea of people who have gone hungry and lost ... to reflect on all the people who are suffering beyond what I have ever known or experienced or witnessed ... I want to help, bu...

Wow! Spam on blogger sites ... that's a first for me! (I'm referring to the comment given on the previous blog of mine). I wonder if there is a way that that comment can be deleted ... will have to look into that one of these days. I envy people who can sit and read a book all day or watch TV all day and not feel guilty. But I think that there also are not many people in this world that are so organized and free from those pressing issues and endless 'to do lists' that actually live like that, so there's not many people I am envious of. Rather, I think that most of the people in this world (and by that, I am referring to our Western Culture, be sure! for I know that people in Africa or India are NOT like this!) ... most of the people in this world are like me. They cannot seem to catch up to what needed to get done last week, and to get ahead of 'the game' is near impossible. A faint dream, if that. I have read old journals that I've kept over the ...

Here we are again ... mid/late June. And my world is full of the same things ... (1) end of the classes (2) end of the courses - which mean exams (3) marking and grading like there is no tomorrow (4) report cards and number crunching (5) finishing classes ... and what would all this be without ... (6) looming unemployment AGAIN?!?!?!???!!!! And the insanity is such that I don't have the time or energy to seek more work. All I want to do is do what I need to do and go to bed. Grades are due at 9am tomorrow. I will make it but just. And that is depending on the little pile of Drama I I'm finishing up before bed. Honestly, there is so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted to achieve and complete with them, and I look over what they are graded on, and it is pathetic. How much better I could have done had I had time to pull things together or plan or prepare like I now know I need to. Things to contemplate and consider: (1) PLANNING and follow through (short range/long range) ...

I look around me and most people seem to ask simple questions and live simple lives. Yes, they have stress and are caught up in the 'soap opera'-ness of all that is their life. But, basically, it seems simple to me. And, at this point, that is not a bad thing. I long for a life like that. But no. I get 'blessed' with a life that appears to be simple. I get 'blessed' with the 'gift' of thinking. How many times have I been told, "You think too much!" ... and often I see that as a compliment. Right now, with the way my head is reeling and hurting, I wish I could turn it off. From another forum that is part of my current headache: I'm currently reading a book that is greatly affecting me and giving me a number of 'ah-ah' moments and a lot to ponder and contemplate. I am not that far into it, but would like to put forth some of the questions that the book poses ... partially to share, but also because I wonder how people here would re...

I feel like the last month has been a series of living from one deadline to the next, with no thought or time to plan in advance. I feel like the meltdown that is imminent will not ever occur - not because I have been successful in dealing with it, but because there has been no time to take care of what needs to be taken care of for it to heal properly. To say that I am stressed is a severe understatement ... when I hear others say that they are 'stressed' and I ask them what that looks like in their life, I laugh. Oh, to live their life of stress!! That would be my bliss right now!!! I have to snapshot a theme from the last week to this. Last week, I needed some time to prep something for Summerstock on Friday, so I decided to show a movie for the sake of showing a movie. No other reason. (I have NEVER done that in a class ~ there is always a reason to watch a movie in my class.) I did not have anything that was a good 'filler', so I ended up showing the movie ...

I know I haven't written for a bit, and other than 'busy', I have no real good reason why. I guess I feel a bit of a pressure to write something pithy or contemplative ... maybe these are some issues I need to look at more closely ... another time. I came across a kewl site today ... actually, I had it saved in my 'favorites' and just never did any poking around in it. Well, today - during a bit of time-wastage - I thought it looked intriguing. Well, it is delightful. Great dialogue, wonderful articles and some real thought-provoking stuff. Oh, the site is www.ginkworld.net ... check it out. There is one article written by one of the moderators that I'm going to repost here ... something that kinda hit me in a good way ... THE TEN COMMITMENTS ... commit your life to God - Hebrews 12:3 - this is central to who we are as Christians. we tend to commit to work, to family, to friends, to other activities and some even commit to their church- but God wants to ...

I was asked the above question last night by a friend ... Friend: Do you want to have children? (A hush fills the air) Me: I would love to have children, but I will not do it without a husband Friend: I hear ya Me: I will not do it without a husband. I used to say that no, I didn't want to go through the pain ... but as I've grown older, it is something that I would do provided that it was something that my husband wanted and would be as committed to as I would be ... it would really have to be something we both would be united on. Friend: to have or have not; that is the question Me: well, right now I have not Today, I reflected back on my statement. Do I? What do I want? I remember writing in this blog a while ago on this, about how I almost don't envy people who have children now. How hard it is to raise a child in today's culture. And then last night, the above question. When I was asked the question, I felt like I got drenched with cold water. This is a que...

I didn't write on Christmas ... not that there was nothing memorable about it ... there most definitely was ... but to focus my mind was something I honestly just didn't take the time for. So, here we are. Welcome to 2005 ... another year gone, and another lying ahead. Close the book on one and begin the book on another. What will this one bring? Do I sit and write New Year Resolutions? or do I set some goals? or do I make a mark at this time of my life in another way? Or maybe I just leave it open ... work on decluttering what has been and open spaces for new things that are not yet present to come in. Last year, at this time, I was so frustrated with my life - of where it was headed (or not headed), of the listlessness of it all, of a spinning of the wheels. I remember writing in my yearly letter that I wanted my life to change .... I didn't know how or where, but I could not go on with the way that it was. It was going to be a 'do-or-die' year ... not ...