"Do You Want To Have Children?"
I was asked the above question last night by a friend ...
Friend: Do you want to have children? (A hush fills the air)
Me: I would love to have children, but I will not do it without a husband
Friend: I hear ya
Me: I will not do it without a husband. I used to say that no, I didn't want to go through the pain ... but as I've grown older, it is something that I would do provided that it was something that my husband wanted and would be as committed to as I would be ... it would really have to be something we both would be united on.
Friend: to have or have not; that is the question
Me: well, right now I have not
Today, I reflected back on my statement. Do I? What do I want? I remember writing in this blog a while ago on this, about how I almost don't envy people who have children now. How hard it is to raise a child in today's culture. And then last night, the above question.
When I was asked the question, I felt like I got drenched with cold water. This is a question that I have successfully avoided seeking an answer for. This is a question that I've been able to effectively seperate myself from ever trying to answer. Why? Simple ... no husband, no child. I will not have one without the other. And since I have no husband, there is no child. End of story.
Right? End of story ... right? RIGHT???? or ......
From my journal earlier today ...
"This is something that I have pushed so far under, to the back, in a box, that it felt almost foreign to think about. When I was younger, my answer was no - because all I associated with that question, with having children was pain. With no husband, pondering on having children was not an option. So I didn't. I remember Sandy* wanting a child desperately (I was moving here and she decided to move to this city at the same time ... we were friends for a while, until her desire for a child took her in another direction). I think her choices while we were here and were friends were very much focussed on that as her goal. Having a child. And I ... what I did I think? ... No memory.
Oh - I do remember - again - no child if there is no husband.
I remember Joe*, a fellow I dated for a while when I first moved here. I remember consciously thinking that I did not want to be a mother to my husband. In a nurturing, loving way - partner, lover, passion, commitment, yes ... caring if sick or ill, caring and encouraging, definitely. Maybe there are some 'mother' crossovers. But when he began to show evidence of being dependant on my approval, being validated by me, confident only when I treated him in a certain way, making me feel responsible for his emotional health, happiness and purpose, that was not my job, nor was this the kind of husband I wanted for myself OR father I wanted for my children.
Thinking on this now, maybe there is more to my answer than what I gave last night or what I have considered up to now. Maybe this deserves another look.
I really do believe that the husband is the leader of the house, the head of the house, and the wife is to be his biggest support and encourager. To stand beside him and be there to help, to hold and to be. He is only as effective in his role as she is by his side. And I could not - cannot even now - see myself submitting all of myself, making myself complete vunerable and open to a person like Joe*. And that is not what I want to lead and become a family with. Now, with all my experience with children and kids, I can really see the severe problems that would set the kids and family up for if that is their foundation.
Do I want kids? Last night I said yes with the qualifier that there had to be a committed husband in the picture. Today I ask myself why? What is the reason WHY I want kids?
Today I look back to the partnership first. Again. The marriage. The husband. And I really cannot say if I want children - because in all honesty, it is not a decision I want or should make based on my wants. This is a decision I want to make with my husband. Because he has to be as much a part of the life-long commitment to these 'gifts' given to us as I am. You know, in all my contemplations over time on what I want in a partner, the qualities as a father has not been even on my list. His ability or desire or commitment to the family as a whole, children in particular, and me definitely was not something I have really thought about. Ok, to me, yes, that I have contemplated. And me to him, most certainly.
Now, as I think on the big picture, it would seem to me that if this is all in line, if I have all confidence that he will make a good Godly father to the children throughout their lives and the family as a unit - and me as his life partner is a given (that bond needs to be absolute, complete, trustworthy beyond measure, self and broken to each other, the central core) - if he wants children, I will gladly and joyfully say yes.
I have to say - my thought is that by the time I get married, and that union is solid enough, how old will I be? how old will he be? Will I be able to still have children? and what will his response be to alternatives? will that be an issue? a source of marital conflict and breakdown? or will the union be solid enough that he will be open to alternatives? I guess it all comes back to my thought ... why have children to begin with?
And I think about the people in my life right now with children - why? Why did mom and dad have children? why did Phil and Kris have kids? Robbie and Mark? Carolyn and Jonathon? cultural expectations? the right time? ... if I (and my yet-to-enter-the-picture husband) decide to have children, I want to have them for the RIGHT reasons. And I have no idea what that would be.
I know that I would fear nothing with the right husband with me - there is nothing that I would not risk, no where I would not go; I would give myself wholely and completely. If that is "submit", then I will gladly do it. And - I have to say - that the man will need to be worthy of this. I will not do it for anyone just because they are male. We need to both be fully human on our own. Both complete people before. So why get married then? Like the saying, "more than the sum of the parts" ... This isn't a matter of 1 + 1 = 2, but 1 + 1 = 2 + infinity. 2 and more than 2 simultaneously. Or one plus one equals infinity. And that is only touching on my 'why' answer to the question of 'why get married 'here.
I saw a child tonight. A very young child - just learning to walk. All of his concentration on his father, hesitantly finding his way to his father's waiting arms, tottering and close to falling but not. (I thought of how we are like that ... tottering into our Father's waiting and loving arms ... as we begin and grow, but always longing for His arms to wrap around us, to hold us when life is hard.) Oh, to have been given that 'gift'! To be able to contribute to our time a wonderful God-loved-and-blessed person in to the world, to be God's love to more than I can and have reached up to now! And to be part of that process - together with an honorable and worthy husband. What might come from that? If I think of what I encounter with children today, what sort of child might be possible with a foundation of family like me and the one that I submit to / unite with?
And I have never thought of this before. Before that question last night. That one that froze me. A question I have never sought an answer for before because the pre-requisite was never present to begin with, and I didn't want to long for and spend time mourning over something that might never be mine, and miss opportunities to make a difference for God now. I am still no further to fulfillment - and now I'm thinking about what might never be mine.
So, how do I handle this now?"
from The Prophet: On Children by Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
* not their real names
Friend: Do you want to have children? (A hush fills the air)
Me: I would love to have children, but I will not do it without a husband
Friend: I hear ya
Me: I will not do it without a husband. I used to say that no, I didn't want to go through the pain ... but as I've grown older, it is something that I would do provided that it was something that my husband wanted and would be as committed to as I would be ... it would really have to be something we both would be united on.
Friend: to have or have not; that is the question
Me: well, right now I have not
Today, I reflected back on my statement. Do I? What do I want? I remember writing in this blog a while ago on this, about how I almost don't envy people who have children now. How hard it is to raise a child in today's culture. And then last night, the above question.
When I was asked the question, I felt like I got drenched with cold water. This is a question that I have successfully avoided seeking an answer for. This is a question that I've been able to effectively seperate myself from ever trying to answer. Why? Simple ... no husband, no child. I will not have one without the other. And since I have no husband, there is no child. End of story.
Right? End of story ... right? RIGHT???? or ......
From my journal earlier today ...
"This is something that I have pushed so far under, to the back, in a box, that it felt almost foreign to think about. When I was younger, my answer was no - because all I associated with that question, with having children was pain. With no husband, pondering on having children was not an option. So I didn't. I remember Sandy* wanting a child desperately (I was moving here and she decided to move to this city at the same time ... we were friends for a while, until her desire for a child took her in another direction). I think her choices while we were here and were friends were very much focussed on that as her goal. Having a child. And I ... what I did I think? ... No memory.
Oh - I do remember - again - no child if there is no husband.
I remember Joe*, a fellow I dated for a while when I first moved here. I remember consciously thinking that I did not want to be a mother to my husband. In a nurturing, loving way - partner, lover, passion, commitment, yes ... caring if sick or ill, caring and encouraging, definitely. Maybe there are some 'mother' crossovers. But when he began to show evidence of being dependant on my approval, being validated by me, confident only when I treated him in a certain way, making me feel responsible for his emotional health, happiness and purpose, that was not my job, nor was this the kind of husband I wanted for myself OR father I wanted for my children.
Thinking on this now, maybe there is more to my answer than what I gave last night or what I have considered up to now. Maybe this deserves another look.
I really do believe that the husband is the leader of the house, the head of the house, and the wife is to be his biggest support and encourager. To stand beside him and be there to help, to hold and to be. He is only as effective in his role as she is by his side. And I could not - cannot even now - see myself submitting all of myself, making myself complete vunerable and open to a person like Joe*. And that is not what I want to lead and become a family with. Now, with all my experience with children and kids, I can really see the severe problems that would set the kids and family up for if that is their foundation.
Do I want kids? Last night I said yes with the qualifier that there had to be a committed husband in the picture. Today I ask myself why? What is the reason WHY I want kids?
Today I look back to the partnership first. Again. The marriage. The husband. And I really cannot say if I want children - because in all honesty, it is not a decision I want or should make based on my wants. This is a decision I want to make with my husband. Because he has to be as much a part of the life-long commitment to these 'gifts' given to us as I am. You know, in all my contemplations over time on what I want in a partner, the qualities as a father has not been even on my list. His ability or desire or commitment to the family as a whole, children in particular, and me definitely was not something I have really thought about. Ok, to me, yes, that I have contemplated. And me to him, most certainly.
Now, as I think on the big picture, it would seem to me that if this is all in line, if I have all confidence that he will make a good Godly father to the children throughout their lives and the family as a unit - and me as his life partner is a given (that bond needs to be absolute, complete, trustworthy beyond measure, self and broken to each other, the central core) - if he wants children, I will gladly and joyfully say yes.
I have to say - my thought is that by the time I get married, and that union is solid enough, how old will I be? how old will he be? Will I be able to still have children? and what will his response be to alternatives? will that be an issue? a source of marital conflict and breakdown? or will the union be solid enough that he will be open to alternatives? I guess it all comes back to my thought ... why have children to begin with?
And I think about the people in my life right now with children - why? Why did mom and dad have children? why did Phil and Kris have kids? Robbie and Mark? Carolyn and Jonathon? cultural expectations? the right time? ... if I (and my yet-to-enter-the-picture husband) decide to have children, I want to have them for the RIGHT reasons. And I have no idea what that would be.
I know that I would fear nothing with the right husband with me - there is nothing that I would not risk, no where I would not go; I would give myself wholely and completely. If that is "submit", then I will gladly do it. And - I have to say - that the man will need to be worthy of this. I will not do it for anyone just because they are male. We need to both be fully human on our own. Both complete people before. So why get married then? Like the saying, "more than the sum of the parts" ... This isn't a matter of 1 + 1 = 2, but 1 + 1 = 2 + infinity. 2 and more than 2 simultaneously. Or one plus one equals infinity. And that is only touching on my 'why' answer to the question of 'why get married 'here.
I saw a child tonight. A very young child - just learning to walk. All of his concentration on his father, hesitantly finding his way to his father's waiting arms, tottering and close to falling but not. (I thought of how we are like that ... tottering into our Father's waiting and loving arms ... as we begin and grow, but always longing for His arms to wrap around us, to hold us when life is hard.) Oh, to have been given that 'gift'! To be able to contribute to our time a wonderful God-loved-and-blessed person in to the world, to be God's love to more than I can and have reached up to now! And to be part of that process - together with an honorable and worthy husband. What might come from that? If I think of what I encounter with children today, what sort of child might be possible with a foundation of family like me and the one that I submit to / unite with?
And I have never thought of this before. Before that question last night. That one that froze me. A question I have never sought an answer for before because the pre-requisite was never present to begin with, and I didn't want to long for and spend time mourning over something that might never be mine, and miss opportunities to make a difference for God now. I am still no further to fulfillment - and now I'm thinking about what might never be mine.
So, how do I handle this now?"
from The Prophet: On Children by Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
* not their real names
Comments