If Not Teaching, Then What?
I don't know if it is the day or the mood or what ... did this come about because of a discussion or a chance encounter or what nudged me into this? ... And if I look back over the last couple of days, there really isn't anything that would bring this upon me. I know that similar thoughts have flitted through my mind over the last while, but they seem to be becoming clearer and more pronounced - today being one of the stronger ones.
Now that I've succeeded in making no sense, let's see if I can muddy the water even more.
I went into teaching in around 1983 - and to be honest, I'm not sure why. To speak in a public manner before a lot of people was something I could never do. I didn't even speak out in class ... so what made me think of going into teaching, I don't know. I was horrifically self-conscious ... and we know that students are some of the most critical and miserable people on earth ... I really wish I could remember what WAS going through my head. What I do remember is this:
(1) Through a Christmas card given to me by an old friend (I think it was Carolyn), there was a note inside. As high school kids, instead of exchanging gifts, we would exchange Bible-verses along with a personal letter. Well, in one of these Christmas gifts, one of my friends wrote to me something about noticing how people come to me and feel comfortable talking to me. I guess I was a safe place for people to talk, even back then.
(2) One of my freshman RA's was a Home Economics Major. When I looked at what Home Ec covered, I thought it would be a practical program. Thus, when I considered how much Mom thought I was a flighty, impractical, unmotivated person, as well as how much she hated me going to University - let alone going to an American PRIVATE CHRISTIAN university, I thought maybe I could make things better by choosing something 'practical' and 'useful'. When I realized I could get my degree AND get it to be teachable as well, I thought that there would be two good practical things. Besides, most would be girls, right? (boy, was I ignorant!!)
(3) I remember wanting to take an English major, but that would be frivolous - but at least I could get a minor in that where my heart was. And to make it into a teachable, there would be a few more doors opened, I thought. I remember loving my English classes though ... much more that most of my Home Ec courses.
(4) I do remember making a conscious decision though when I chose to go the secondary route rather than the primary one. I knew enough that I realized that I could never be a good primary teacher because I enjoyed spending time on one thing, examining it. I enjoyed writing and researching. To be able to peel off the layers of a topic and seek out its depth and breadth was something that I found intrinsically pleasurable, and I knew that in the primary grades, that was not an option. Besides, I couldn't make something simple enough for a simple mind to grasp ... I couldn't break something down to meet them. Not that, in retrospect, I was that much better at creating lessons for more complex minds to understand and grow from ... but I digress.
(5) There was a topics Education class I once took. And (again, rarely speaking out), there was a discussion one day that has imprinted itself on my mind. One student asked us all if we were going into Education because our goal was to be a teacher or were we going into Education because we saw it as a stepping stone to something else. Classmates chose one side or another - and I remember almost not understanding the question. Of course, I wanted to be a teacher, didn't I?? Why else would I be going into being a secondary teacher? I guess I was pretty ignorant as to my options back then ... even though I did go for career planning courses and tests. Teaching always was in the top 5-10 good choices, so I thought I was on a good path.
As I look back over some of those tests (for I still have some kicking around), I am amazed at how traits that are part of my struggle right now are evident even then. Things like compassion, like interpersonal understanding, like an emphasis on values, like being a visionary.
So, I entered the profession. I started in Woodridge, Manitoba - in a little tiny school. Home Ec and English Gr. 7-9. Two years that were so much - so much growth, so many choices that could have turned out so bad, so much self-discovery and maturity. Some parts were really good ... like the practice of organization and the creative writing. Some parts were really not good ... like the chauvinism of the principal and his targeted attacks on me and the deliberate actions of one teacher to destroy the principal. Perhaps there was something good in this though, because then my other issues were overlooked and I was left to deal with them on my own - which was a blessing in disguise.
~ Two years in Woodridge - Gr. 7-9 Home Ec and English
~ Two years in Ile-des-Chenes - Gr. 1-6 Music (with a few other gr. 3 and 6 classes) ... and here the principal decided to target me again, as I did not meet her expectations of being a fluently bi-lingual teacher. I almost crumbled there. It seems that these two years were all about counseling and therapy for me - how to survive and not kill myself and find my place in the world. I did not know that the human memory could completely shut down when under such duress, but maybe, again, a blessing in disguise.
~ Perhaps Alberta would be better to me - the opportunity came, and I moved.
~ A year at FCHS (and Mainstage) but not teaching ...
~ Two years teaching at Cayley - Gr. 7-9 Language Arts
~ Three years at BigRock but not teaching ... and something in my heart began to cry.
I needed to break away ... I needed to find my place, for I was getting lost. So I went to South Korea. The good? I came back with a confidence in who I was. The bad? I was no further ahead in establishing my niche. But I came back to teaching at OCKS ... for two years. Again, ended empty.
I remember sitting one night, looking back over my life and wondering what did I do wrong or where did I miss the path. I thought I had a direction ... but I've been all over the board. I know my parents have worried; I know my brother still does. And some days I really think I'm no further ahead then when I first entered university all those years ago. To look back and see that I've lived double my life since then ... and in a way be no further 'ahead' can be terrifying.
Which brings to today ...
I was talking with a teacher-friend. And we were talking about our profession ... what do we like about it and what do we not. I realized that I am contemplating leaving the profession ... not because I don't like it any more or that I'm not good at what I do. Not because I don't make a difference in the lives of kids. But because I can no longer justify passing a student because the school will not allow failure. Because I cannot watch kids learn and practice 'lessons' of how to waste their lives, how to find a way around the system, how to get mom and dad to fight for them so they don't have to do any work, how to never experience the real consequences of life's choices because someone else will always rescue them. Because I am exhausted with trying to achieve what the curriculum says that I must teach, with trying to be all things to all people and losing myself in amongst it all, with watching all the people around me scrambling for more and more in the quickest and easiest way there and knowing that the direction we are all headed in is one result: disaster. Our world is not getting better ... if there WERE such a thing as reincarnation, you'd think that the world would be getting better. But it's not. And I love working with the kids too much to watch them consciously choose the wrong path and keep my professional distance, allowing them their choices. Free will is one thing - abandoning them to their self-serving and gratifying life is quite another.
I began reading the book of Romans today. Chapter One. I think I must have spent 4 hrs. reading that chapter alone - in this translation and that one, this commentary, and going back and reflecting again on what was written. In that ONE chapter. And I was struck with the connection between what Paul writes and what I'm experiencing. Paul talks about how God put in place a natural law - and when humanity pulls away from God, trying to do it on his own; in essence, trying to replace God with man, there is only one natural consequence. Disaster. He discusses how God allows man the freedom of choice, and when they choose ways away from God, even when they know the wages of sin are death, God abandons them to their inner desires. I wonder if this is what He is doing with us? And I wonder if I'm getting so caught up in trying to make a difference, that I'm getting sucked into the downward spiral.
So, if teaching is doing this to me ... and I DO know where my gifts are ... how do I wipe the slate clean and re-create a new profession using the same gifts, where I am losing myself in God and contributing to His kingdom rather than losing myself into the spiral and contributing to the destruction? And why I am I feeling so alone in all of this? Lost and not understood and without an anchor? I'm not suggesting that God has abandoned me ... although if I sat and thought, I might come to that conclusion. But I know that He has not ... He has given me the faith that strongly says that that is not so.
Yet, I am alone. With only the thoughts that chase each other around in circles in my brain, like a dog chasing his tail, getting no where and making no sense and ending up where I began. Alone.
What have I missed? If not teaching, then what?
Now that I've succeeded in making no sense, let's see if I can muddy the water even more.
I went into teaching in around 1983 - and to be honest, I'm not sure why. To speak in a public manner before a lot of people was something I could never do. I didn't even speak out in class ... so what made me think of going into teaching, I don't know. I was horrifically self-conscious ... and we know that students are some of the most critical and miserable people on earth ... I really wish I could remember what WAS going through my head. What I do remember is this:
(1) Through a Christmas card given to me by an old friend (I think it was Carolyn), there was a note inside. As high school kids, instead of exchanging gifts, we would exchange Bible-verses along with a personal letter. Well, in one of these Christmas gifts, one of my friends wrote to me something about noticing how people come to me and feel comfortable talking to me. I guess I was a safe place for people to talk, even back then.
(2) One of my freshman RA's was a Home Economics Major. When I looked at what Home Ec covered, I thought it would be a practical program. Thus, when I considered how much Mom thought I was a flighty, impractical, unmotivated person, as well as how much she hated me going to University - let alone going to an American PRIVATE CHRISTIAN university, I thought maybe I could make things better by choosing something 'practical' and 'useful'. When I realized I could get my degree AND get it to be teachable as well, I thought that there would be two good practical things. Besides, most would be girls, right? (boy, was I ignorant!!)
(3) I remember wanting to take an English major, but that would be frivolous - but at least I could get a minor in that where my heart was. And to make it into a teachable, there would be a few more doors opened, I thought. I remember loving my English classes though ... much more that most of my Home Ec courses.
(4) I do remember making a conscious decision though when I chose to go the secondary route rather than the primary one. I knew enough that I realized that I could never be a good primary teacher because I enjoyed spending time on one thing, examining it. I enjoyed writing and researching. To be able to peel off the layers of a topic and seek out its depth and breadth was something that I found intrinsically pleasurable, and I knew that in the primary grades, that was not an option. Besides, I couldn't make something simple enough for a simple mind to grasp ... I couldn't break something down to meet them. Not that, in retrospect, I was that much better at creating lessons for more complex minds to understand and grow from ... but I digress.
(5) There was a topics Education class I once took. And (again, rarely speaking out), there was a discussion one day that has imprinted itself on my mind. One student asked us all if we were going into Education because our goal was to be a teacher or were we going into Education because we saw it as a stepping stone to something else. Classmates chose one side or another - and I remember almost not understanding the question. Of course, I wanted to be a teacher, didn't I?? Why else would I be going into being a secondary teacher? I guess I was pretty ignorant as to my options back then ... even though I did go for career planning courses and tests. Teaching always was in the top 5-10 good choices, so I thought I was on a good path.
As I look back over some of those tests (for I still have some kicking around), I am amazed at how traits that are part of my struggle right now are evident even then. Things like compassion, like interpersonal understanding, like an emphasis on values, like being a visionary.
So, I entered the profession. I started in Woodridge, Manitoba - in a little tiny school. Home Ec and English Gr. 7-9. Two years that were so much - so much growth, so many choices that could have turned out so bad, so much self-discovery and maturity. Some parts were really good ... like the practice of organization and the creative writing. Some parts were really not good ... like the chauvinism of the principal and his targeted attacks on me and the deliberate actions of one teacher to destroy the principal. Perhaps there was something good in this though, because then my other issues were overlooked and I was left to deal with them on my own - which was a blessing in disguise.
~ Two years in Woodridge - Gr. 7-9 Home Ec and English
~ Two years in Ile-des-Chenes - Gr. 1-6 Music (with a few other gr. 3 and 6 classes) ... and here the principal decided to target me again, as I did not meet her expectations of being a fluently bi-lingual teacher. I almost crumbled there. It seems that these two years were all about counseling and therapy for me - how to survive and not kill myself and find my place in the world. I did not know that the human memory could completely shut down when under such duress, but maybe, again, a blessing in disguise.
~ Perhaps Alberta would be better to me - the opportunity came, and I moved.
~ A year at FCHS (and Mainstage) but not teaching ...
~ Two years teaching at Cayley - Gr. 7-9 Language Arts
~ Three years at BigRock but not teaching ... and something in my heart began to cry.
I needed to break away ... I needed to find my place, for I was getting lost. So I went to South Korea. The good? I came back with a confidence in who I was. The bad? I was no further ahead in establishing my niche. But I came back to teaching at OCKS ... for two years. Again, ended empty.
I remember sitting one night, looking back over my life and wondering what did I do wrong or where did I miss the path. I thought I had a direction ... but I've been all over the board. I know my parents have worried; I know my brother still does. And some days I really think I'm no further ahead then when I first entered university all those years ago. To look back and see that I've lived double my life since then ... and in a way be no further 'ahead' can be terrifying.
Which brings to today ...
I was talking with a teacher-friend. And we were talking about our profession ... what do we like about it and what do we not. I realized that I am contemplating leaving the profession ... not because I don't like it any more or that I'm not good at what I do. Not because I don't make a difference in the lives of kids. But because I can no longer justify passing a student because the school will not allow failure. Because I cannot watch kids learn and practice 'lessons' of how to waste their lives, how to find a way around the system, how to get mom and dad to fight for them so they don't have to do any work, how to never experience the real consequences of life's choices because someone else will always rescue them. Because I am exhausted with trying to achieve what the curriculum says that I must teach, with trying to be all things to all people and losing myself in amongst it all, with watching all the people around me scrambling for more and more in the quickest and easiest way there and knowing that the direction we are all headed in is one result: disaster. Our world is not getting better ... if there WERE such a thing as reincarnation, you'd think that the world would be getting better. But it's not. And I love working with the kids too much to watch them consciously choose the wrong path and keep my professional distance, allowing them their choices. Free will is one thing - abandoning them to their self-serving and gratifying life is quite another.
I began reading the book of Romans today. Chapter One. I think I must have spent 4 hrs. reading that chapter alone - in this translation and that one, this commentary, and going back and reflecting again on what was written. In that ONE chapter. And I was struck with the connection between what Paul writes and what I'm experiencing. Paul talks about how God put in place a natural law - and when humanity pulls away from God, trying to do it on his own; in essence, trying to replace God with man, there is only one natural consequence. Disaster. He discusses how God allows man the freedom of choice, and when they choose ways away from God, even when they know the wages of sin are death, God abandons them to their inner desires. I wonder if this is what He is doing with us? And I wonder if I'm getting so caught up in trying to make a difference, that I'm getting sucked into the downward spiral.
So, if teaching is doing this to me ... and I DO know where my gifts are ... how do I wipe the slate clean and re-create a new profession using the same gifts, where I am losing myself in God and contributing to His kingdom rather than losing myself into the spiral and contributing to the destruction? And why I am I feeling so alone in all of this? Lost and not understood and without an anchor? I'm not suggesting that God has abandoned me ... although if I sat and thought, I might come to that conclusion. But I know that He has not ... He has given me the faith that strongly says that that is not so.
Yet, I am alone. With only the thoughts that chase each other around in circles in my brain, like a dog chasing his tail, getting no where and making no sense and ending up where I began. Alone.
What have I missed? If not teaching, then what?
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