When I Grow Up ...

 “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

When do you hear these words? When do you ask this question?  What was your answer when you were asked this question?

This is something that is often asked of a young child – someone who might not yet be in school, or maybe has barely begun school. Answers are often along the lines of ‘a doctor’ or ‘a nurse’ or ‘a teacher’. Traditional, stereotypical roles. If you ask a child who’s a little older, you might get different answers – like, a girl saying she wants to be a scientist or a pilot or a boy saying he wants to be a fashion designer or a kindergarten teacher. These a wonderful, lovely answers! They are not as traditional and show the development of creativity. These children are beginning to embrace who they are and what they instinctively know about themselves.

Have you ever thought about what your answers were when you were young? What that might have said about you and your developing identity? I was pondering this the other day. Not only what were my answers then, but also, how close did I come to living that answer ... or, better yet, what’s my answer to that question now? Is it the same? Or is it different? And how does that sit with me? Or consider, too - what did I want to be when I grew up when I was a child; and what do I want to be "when I grow up" now? How far apart are those two answers?

I’ve been going through a bit of an identity crisis, of sorts. I feel like my world has been completely turned upside down in the last 5 or so years, and I am like a ship without an anchor ... or more, a ship without a hull. And that’s not a fun feeling when you’re 60 years old. To be completely lost with little time left and no one to lean on.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I’ve accomplished a few things along the way. I’ve affected many lives (those of my students), and I know that I made a difference to them. And for that, I am beyond grateful. I’m so glad I could be a part of their journeys. And there’s been other people along the way, other experiences along the way. But that’s not what this is about.

This is not about what I can do, not what I can offer, but it’s about what I am created to do, what have I been wired to do in such a way that I can receive internal ‘payment’ and know that I am doing what I am meant to do. It’s about what taps into my energy and my identity and embracing who I am and who I was created to be.

I’m struggling with this because I had an experience about 2 weeks ago. An internal rush of emotion that I don’t think I’ve experienced before. And, if I may, it was accompanied with a surge of anger towards God. Tinged with bitterness and resentment and betrayal. Yeah, these are not emotions or feelings I often have, nor do I have them towards God. But this time I did. And it has to do with my discovery of my answer to that question – and where I am in life now.

How’s that for a place to pause! This is not an easy time for me, and in no way will it negate my belief in God in any way ... in fact, I’m wondering if it just might deepen it. Which is why I’m not afraid of getting angry at God.

I will share in another entry about God and Abraham.

I will pause here to figure this out for me. To ‘take it to the mats’ with God. And see what's there when the dust settles.